United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortall
by Edreya Natalya
Summary: Christian missionaries from Earth head to Tortall to convert the masses, which proves more difficult than they had anticipated...Chapter 3 is up!
1. Roger

Author's disclaimer: This is not mine- at least, not all of it. I do not own, have never owned, will never own, and will never claim to own Roger, Jonathan, Tortall or any of the other people or places taken from Tamora Pierce's books that are mentioned herein. The missionaries, however, are mine. 

  


The following is an excerpt taken from the UMFSTH archives:

  


The United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortallan Heathens

Barry Jones, Director Mary Johns, Secretary

Jerry Johnson Carrie Joneson

  


Mission: To bring truth and salvation to the heathen nation of Tortall.

  


Transcript of Initial Interview with Roger of Conte

Missionaries: Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson

  


The missionaries in question, Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson, knocked on the door in the palace that they had been directed to. A rather tall man with brown-black hair, wearing the odd clothing typical of this heathen country, opened the door. The conversation ran as follows:

  


Barry Jones (hereafter known as BJ): Hello. Are you Sir Roger of Conte?

Man who opened door (hereafter known as MWOD): No.

BJ: Oh. Well, can you direct us to him? This is a matter of utmost urgency.

MWOD: No.

Jerry Johnson (hereafter known as JJ): Why not?

MWOD: There is no such person. 

JJ: Huh? I thought that guy with the crown-

BJ (interrupting): The king, Jerry.

JJ (ignoring BJ): -said there was and that you were him. Or at least, that the person who lived here was. Anyway, that's what he said.

MWOD: I highly doubt that.

BJ: Why is that?

MWOD: Like I said, there is no Sir Roger of Conte. (Pauses dramatically.) I am Lord Roger of Conte. Perhaps I can help you?

BJ: Yes, you most certainly can. May we step inside?

Roger of Conte (formerly known as MWOD, and hereafter known as RC): Certainly. (They all head inside and sit down, as RC continues talking.) You know, you really ought to learn your titles and forms of address a bit better if you want to get anywhere around here.

BJ (stiffly): I am well aware of that, sir.

RC: Not sir. My lord, if you insist.

BJ (not sure what RC meant, and deciding not to respond): I am Barry Jones, and this is my colleague, Jerry Johnson.

RC: A pleasure. What can I do for you?

BJ: We are here in Tortall to spread the Word of God, and bring salvation to your people. Your king-

RC: He's not my king.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: Oh, are you foreign, then? I didn't realize. We're something of foreigners ourselves.

JJ: Since we're from Earth and all.

RC: I am Tortallan.

JJ: But you said...(he trails off, confused)

RC: I do not support the current king.

JJ: Oh.

BJ: Well, then. As I was saying, the king informed us that you might be a prospective convert, as you do not retain membership in the Heathen Cult of Mithros. Is this correct?

RC: If you're asking whether I am a member of the Cult, the answer is no.

BJ: Good! A sensible man. Do you belong to any other religious organizations at this time?

RC: I do not.

BJ: An atheist, then?

RC: No.

JJ: Huh? I'm confused.

BJ: So you must be an agnostic. Wonderful! We always prefer working with agnostics to working with anyone else, as-

RC (cutting him off): No, I am not an agnostic.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: I must confess to being slightly confused. You do not affiliate yourself with any religion, but you're neither an atheist nor an agnostic.

RC: That is correct.

JJ: Huh? 

RC (turning to BJ): I advise you to get your companion to cease making that noise. It does not give a very good impression of the intelligence of people from Earth.

JJ: Hey, that wasn't very nice! Was it, Barry?

BJ: I suggest we return to the original topic. 

JJ: Wasn't that the part about who Sir Roger is?

BJ (ignoring his colleague): Just what are your religious beliefs?

JJ: You know that, Barry. I go to the same church as you.

BJ: Not you, you insufferable idiot! 

JJ: That wasn't very Christian of you, Barry. At least, I don't think so. And you're supposed to be religious and all!

BJ (turning to RC): What are your religious beliefs, sir?

RC: I'm not a knight. I'm a sorcerer.

JJ: Huh? What's that have to do with anything?

BJ (confused, trying not to show it, and failing): Oh. I see. Would you mind answering my question?

RC: Not at all. I believe in all of the gods.

BJ: Which gods?

RC: Oh, you know, Mithros, the Goddess, the usual.

BJ: But you said that you didn't belong to the-

RC: I don't.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: But-

RC: I believe in the gods. However, I do not worship them. 

JJ: Huh? How come you don't?

RC: They, ah, don't like me.

BJ (who clearly doesn't see): I see. Well, that's a mighty good reason to convert to our faith. Not only do your gods not exist, but our God is a Loving God.

JJ: He loves everyone! 

RC (politely): How nice.

BJ: This loving God offers salvation and promises eternal life to all believers!

JJ (conspiratorily to RC): Does that sounds great or what?

RC: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm not interested. It was nice talking to you. (He gets up and opens the door.)

BJ (not moving): But, sir-

RC: I told you, I'm not a knight. I'm a duke and a sorcerer. There's a difference.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: Sir, I-

RC: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a knight. I'm a sorcerer. Sorcerer, sorcerer, sorcerer!!! 

BJ: -don't think you realize what you're turning down here. All of us have a great need for eternal salvation. 

RC: Not me.

BJ: Even you. Especially you, if these allegations of your practicing magic are true.

RC (absently): Oh, they're true. I've told you that I'm a sorcerer several times, you just haven't been paying attention.

BJ (taken aback): Well, then. You are guilty of a great sin, and you are in desperate need of salvation!

RC: No. I don't need it. You see, I don't kill easily.

BJ: But no one lives forever.

RC: Untrue. People die, of course, but that's just a minor setback. It's easy enough to come back.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: You blaspheme!!!

JJ: Who, him or me? 

RC (ignoring JJ): I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that term. As I was saying, thanks to my superior Gift-

JJ: Huh? What gift? 

RC: - and the Gift of Lord Thom of Trebond, I have been resurrected once already.

BJ&JJ: What?!

RC (ignoring the interruption): I have no reason to suppose that I can't manage like this forever, so you plainly see that I have no need of your little church toys.

BJ: How dare you! 

JJ: Did he just insult us, Barry?

BJ: Wait a minute...did you just say you were resurrected?!

JJ: No.

RC: Yes.

BJ: But, that's impossible!

RC (with a sinister smile): You doubt me?

BJ (recovering himself and deciding not to accuse the Heathen Duke of lying, then saying sternly): In any case, such resurrection is forbidden. 

RC (sarcastically): Really?

BJ: Yes. All Wicca is of the devil! It is evil! Your soul will be damned for all eternity! Repent, o sinner, if you wish to be saved!

RC: Actually, I am quite capable of saving myself, thank you.

JJ (horrified): But you'll be damned! 

RC (laughs): I don't doubt it. However, as I have explained, I have ways to deal with such trivial things. I can defeat the gods. Any gods- yours, my idiot of a cousin's, I don't care whose. I am the most powerful sorcerer in the realm! Bwahahahaha! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some dead friends I need to resurrect, to assist me in my quest for my cousin's throne. Perhaps you'd care to assist?

JJ: Cool!

BJ: No. No. Absolutely not. We will go, but we shall return. I shall not rest until I have saved your soul! Come along, Jerry. Until next time, sir. (BJ and JJ walk quickly through the still-open door and close it behind them.)

RC (to closed door): I'm not a knight!!!!!!!!


	2. Jonathan and Thayet

  


Disclaimer: I told you before that I didn't own any of Tamora Pierce's books, plots, characters, settings, etc. Guess what. I still don't. 

  


The following excerpt was taken from the UMFSTH archives: 

  


The United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortallan Heathens 

Barry Jones, Director Mary Johns, Secretary

Jerry Johnson Carrie Joneson 

  


Mission: To bring truth and salvation to the heathen nation of Tortall. 

  


Transcript of Initial Interview with Jonathan of Conte and Thayet jian Wilima 

Missionaries: Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson 

  


The missionaries in question, Barry Jones (hereafter referred to as BJ) and Jerry Johnson (hereafter known as JJ) knocked at the door of one of King Jonathan III's private audience chambers. The door was opened by a footman, who presented them to another footman, who presented them to a herald, who knocked at the door of the king's interior audience chamber. The door was opened by yet another footman. The missionaries could see Jonathan of Conte (hereafter known as JC), king of the heathen realm of Tortall, and his queen, Thayet jian Wilima (hereafter referred to as TW) seated inside the room. The meeting ran as follows:

  


Herald (blowing a nerve-shattering blast on his trumpet): Your Majesties, may I present the heathen missionaries Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson?

BJ: Excuse me, sir, you're a little confused. We are the Christians, not the heathens. You people are the heathens.

JC (ignoring BJ's interruption): Yes, you may.

Herald (with a sweeping bow): I present the missionaries Barry Jones and Jerry Johnson.

JJ: Didn't he already say that?

TW: Really, Jon, we could do without all of this ceremony.

JC (stiffly): It's traditional. 

TW: I don't care. It's idiotic. 

Herald: Might I beg leave to retire, your Majesties?

JJ: Huh?

TW: Go ahead and leave.

Herald: Yes, your Majesty. (He exits the room.) 

TW (gesturing at the footman): You can go, too. (He bows and follows the herald.)

JC: What did you do that for?

TW: Don't sulk, it's not becoming. 

JC: I'm not sulking!

TW (ignoring her husband and turning to BJ and JJ): Now, what can we do for you?

BJ: I am Barry Jones, and this is my colleague, Jerry Johnson. We are here to bring salvation to your people, your realm and yourselves!

JJ (conspiratorily): That's what he always says. Except the last part. He just now added that. And then I don't say anything. Except this time, I'm saying something. (He looks pleased with himself.)

JC (sounding wounded): You left off the "your Majesty".

TW: Oh, get over it, Jon.

JC: But I haven't given them permission to do that yet!

TW: I don't care. Be quiet.

BJ: You should treat your husband with more respect, ma'am. It's in the scriptures. 

JC: Thank you. That's exactly what I was going to say. But you're still forgetting your forms of address. 

JJ: Huh?

TW: No, I shouldn't. Your ego needs squashing down every so often. You're already too much of a prig.

JC: I am not!

TW: Yes, you are and you know it. 

JC (icily): I beg to differ. And while we're on the subject, who takes care of your ego?

TW (smugly): No one. I don't need anyone to. I can keep myself grounded, thank you very much.

JJ (sagely): They aren't very nice to each other, are they, Barry?

BJ: Now, if we could return to business? Sir, we have come to talk to you about your future and that of your realm.

JC: I suppose that'll do. I am a knight, too, after all.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: As I was saying, you and your realm are in desperate need of salvation.

JC: What?! We are not! Tortall is a stable, peaceful, prosperous country with a strong army. We can take care of ourselves. Now, Sarain, on the other hand-

TW (interrupting): Leave my homeland out of it!

BJ: No, no, you misunderstand me. I spoke of spiritual salvation. 

JJ (helpfully): Like for your soul and all.

TW: I see. 

BJ: It was our hope that Tortall's conversion to Christianity would inspire other heathen nations to do the same, as Tortall is clearly the leading nation on the continent.

JJ: Huh?

JC: Do you really think Tortall is the leading nation of the Eastern Lands?

BJ: Well, I-

JC (intently): Do you? 

TW: Stop fishing for compliments, Jon. 

JJ: Huh? Fishing? Did someone say something about fish? 'Cause those are really good fried.

JC (impatiently): Well?! Answer me!

BJ (hurriedly): Um, yes. Yes, definitely. Of course. Sure. Why not?

JC: Good. You have excellent taste.

(TW rolls her eyes.)

BJ: Now, the obvious first step in converting a nation is converting its ruler. Wouldn't you agree, sir?

JJ: No.

BJ (turning to JJ): You are not helping our cause. In any case, I wasn't talking to you.

JJ: But we didn't come here first. That guy over there (he points at JC) sent us to go talk to that other guy first. 

JC (to TW): Did he just point at me?!

TW: Yes. How very observant you are. 

JC: That's the first time anyone has dared to do that to me! I'm shocked. I'm traumatized. I-

TW (interrupting): Stop being so melodramatic. Besides, people point at you all the time when we're on progress.

JC (pouting): That's different.

JJ (to BJ): Well? Didn't we go there first? Who's right this time, Barry? Huh? Huh?

BJ: I was speaking generally, you idiot!

JJ: That was mean. I don't think people should be mean. Especially not to people who're right! (He is ignored.)

BJ: As I was saying, we are most interested in obtaining your conversions and saving your souls.

JC: I see. And what does this entail?

TW (to no one in particular): Horse Lords, now he's going formal on us.

JJ: Huh?

BJ: It's really easy. You agree to accept Our Lord as your personal savior, renounce the false gods worshipped here, and we baptize you. In return, you receive eternal life and salvation after your death.

JJ: That means you can go to heaven and be with the good people, instead of going to hell with the bad ones! Right, Barry?

JC: So you're plotting to kill me, are you? Guards! (He turns angrily to TW.) You see? This is what happens when you insist we talk unguarded. Guards!!

(Fourteen guards armed with swords and battle axes run into the room, drop to their knees, jump back to their feet, stand at attention and salute.)

JJ: I don't think those guys look nice. And I don't like the way they're waving those metal things.

BJ: They're called swords, Jerry.

JJ (indignantly): I knew that. I'm not stupid, you know.

Guard captain (bowing to JC): You called, your Majesty? 

JC: Yes. Arrest these men and hold them on charges of high treason and plotted regicide.

(The guards gasp, hurriedly make the sign against evil, then approach BJ and JJ cautiously.)

BJ: No! Wait! Sir, I didn't mean, that is, I- 

(The guards seize BJ's and JJ's arms.)

JJ: Ouch! Hey! Let go of me!

JC: You see, no one plots to assassinate me and gets away with it! (He turns to the guards.) Throw them in the dungeon. Oh, and add "disrespectfulness" to their crimes. 

TW: Disrespectfulness? That's not a crime!

JC (smugly): It is now. I made it one last night.

TW: You fool! I should send for Alanna to come whack some sense into your head.

JC: If you don't stop being disrespectful, I'll throw you in the dungeon, too! 

TW: Oh, really? I'd like to see you try!

(The guards move to march BJ and JJ from the room.)

BJ (hastily): Sir? I assure you that my companion and I bear you no ill will, and that we most certainly are not involved in a plan to kill you.

JJ: That would be stupid. Then we'd go to hell. And we don't want to do that.

JC: Then why did you threaten my death?

BJ: We didn't threaten you, sir. We only wanted to tell you that the Lord Our God offers eternal salvation to everyone after they die. Death comes for everyone eventually, you know.

JJ: Except God.

JC: Very well. But take this as a warning. Release them, guards. Then you may retire.

(The guards let go of BJ's and JJ's arms, bow, salute and march out of the room.)

BJ (fervently): Thank you, sir. Now, about your conversion. If we hurry, we can get all of the preliminaries out of the way tonight. We'll give you a brief summary of our faith and leave you a Holy Bible. Then we can have a few classes in religious doctrine and baptize you, and then we'll be all set.

JC: I don't know about this. The gods wouldn't like it.

BJ: That's impossible. Your gods do not exist. Our God is the One True God.

TW (murmuring to JC): I'd like to see him tell Alanna that. 

JC (nodding in agreement to TW): Our gods do exist. And were I to renounce them, they would turn from me and withdraw my divine right! I can't risk that.

JJ: Huh?

TW (quietly, to JC): Why does he keep making that noise? Do you think there's something wrong with him?

JC (shrugging): Nothing we can do about it if there is.

BJ (oblivious to the whispered conversation going on about his colleague's mental faculties): My dear sir, your gods do not exist. However, were you to convert to our faith, you would have the protection and support of God. It is His will that everyone in Tortall be come Christian, and were you to aid that, you would have an honored place in heaven.

JC: Is that all?

BJ: Well, He might also see fit to grant you some earthly rewards. But I assure you, the salvation of your immortal soul is of the utmost importance, secondary to all other concerns.

JC: Might? Might? Is that the best you can do? And how do you expect us to worship your god, without giving us any proof?

JJ: Huh?

BJ: Proof is not necessary. It is a question of faith.

JC: So your god isn't going to manifest?

BJ: Of course not! I'm telling you, it is a question of faith! Faith requires no proof!

JC: I'm sorry. If your god wants to be added to the pantheon, he'll have to follow the procedure. You see, when there's a new god in the area, he usually manifests to as many people as possible and tells them his name and what to pray to him for help with. What is your God's name, anyway?

BJ: I can't tell you. It's one of the Ten Commandments. "Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain." We simply refer to him as God.

TW (who clearly doesn't see): I see. 

JC: Well, he'll have to get over it if he wants anyone to worship him here. We have so many gods that no one will remember him without some sort of name.

BJ: That is blasphemy! And, we don't want you to add the Lord Our God to your pantheon. 

JC: You don't?

JJ (simultaneously): We don't?

BJ: No. You in Tortall worship false gods. They don't exist. We want you to renounce the worship of these false gods and worship only the One True God.

JC: I'm sorry, but that's impossible. You walk in here and ask us to stop worshipping the gods, and start worshipping a different god who has a superiority complex-

BJ: EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS BLASPHEMY, SIR!

JC (continuing through the interruption): -without even giving us any proof. The whole situation is absurd! And besides, first I would slowly have to obtain the support of my nobles, which could take years.

JJ: But you're the king! (He pauses.) Aren't you?

TW: Oh no, don't get him started on that subject. He'll go on for hours.

JJ: So he's not the king?

JC (ignoring JJ): I will not go on for hours, as you put it, Thayet. As I was going to say, I cannot do anything without the support of my nobles if I wish to keep my throne. (He turns to BJ and JJ.) Is that clear enough, or shall I go into the technicalities?

TW: No. If you do, I'm leaving. I've already heard that speech three times this week. I refuse to sit through it again!

JC (sounding hurt): It's a good speech.

(TW rolls her eyes.)

BJ: I beg you to reconsider, sir and madam. At the moment, you are walking down the path to hell! 

JJ (gasps): Barry, you said the h-word!! You're not supposed to do that! 

TW (getting to her feet): Thank you for your concern, but I'm afraid we've heard enough. 

JC (also standing up): It was nice talking to you, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in Tortall. 

JJ: Aw, shucks. That's awful nice of you. See, I told you guys everything worked better when people were nice! 

JC: Footman!

TW: He has a name, you know.

(A footman enters.)

Footman: Yes, sire?

JC: Escort these men out.

TW (signaling to the footman): Wait a moment. Jon, you didn't say "please". 

JC (grumpily): Oh. very well. Please.

TW (to footman): You can go now. 

BJ: Please think over what we talked about, sir and ma'am. We shall return in a few days. Until then, rest assured, the saving of your ignorant, heathen souls is our utmost priority. Come along, Jerry. 

(BJ, JJ and the footman leave the interior audience chamber.) 

JC: Great Mithros, what an Ordeal. Think they're gone for good?

TW: You wish. 

  



	3. Daine and Numair

Disclaimer: Let's make this simple. Some of this is mine. Some of it isn't. In case the disclaimer gods require further elaboration, the general rule is this: If you can find it in a book written by someone else (in this case, Tamora Pierce), it's not mine. Otherwise, it is.

The following excerpt was taken from the UMFSTH archives.

The United Mission Front for the Salvation of Tortallan Heathens

Barry Jones, Director Mary Johns, Secretary

Jerry Johnson Carrie Joneson

Transcript of Initial Interview with Numair Salmalin and Veralidaine Sarrasri

Attending missionaries: Barry Jones, Carrie Joneson

Unfortunately, the missionaries in question were running a bit behind schedule, due to an obstruction in the form of 50 murderous-looking protesters waving "Damn the missionaries!" signs outside the palace's back gate. When they arrived at the appointed meeting room, a discussion was already underway. The missionaries in question remained outside for a few minutes, waiting for an opportune time to interrupt and listening to the conversation within, which ran as follows.

Young girl within room (hereafter known as DS): Tell me again why we have to do this.

Man within room (hereafter known as NS): I would like to discover precisely what sort of divine entity is worshipped by these interplanetary emissaries and, if possible, to begin to formulate a-

DS (hastily cutting him off): All right, all right, I get why you're here, But I still don't see why I have to be here, too. I'd rather muck out the stables.

NS: Aren't you the least bit curious?

DS: No. I'm leaving. (She rises to go.)

(The missionaries hastily knock at the door and enter immediately after, arresting their prospective convert's flight. DS sits down again, disappointed.) 

Barry Jones (hereafter known as BJ): Hello. Extremely sorry for the delay, but we were held up by several dozen heathen protesters. Ah well, it must be the good Lord's will, after all. Let's get started, shall we? 

(DS and NS exchange mystified looks as BJ and Carrie Joneson (hereafter referred to as CJ) sit down.)

BJ: Now then, my name is Barry Jones and this is my colleague and partner in Truth, Carrie Joneson. We are here to spread the Word of God to your people and save their souls from the eternal torments of Hell!

(DS stifles a yawn.) 

CJ: No matter what you learned at that silly mission camp of yours, Barry, that is not a good way to start a conversation.

BJ (haughtily): It was an educational retreat. You should be more respectful in the future!

(CJ snorts.)

NS (looking uncertainly at the feuding missionaries): Allow me to introduce myself. I am Numair Salmalin, and this is my...erm...(he blushes) student, Veralidaine Sarrasri. 

DS (giggling): Student, hmmmm? Well, I guess that's one way of putting it.

NS (blushing even more): Quiet, you.

BJ (ignoring this puzzling exchange): Wonderful! Now, down to business. I understand you both currently retain membership in the Evil, Heathen Cult of Mithros?

DS: You've got the name wrong.

BJ: Nonsense. I've done my research.

NS: She's right, you know. The correct terminology is simply the Cult of Mithros. The preceding adjectives are subject to the speaker's discretion, although I would strongly urge you to moderate your language.

DS: What's an adjecwhatsis?

NS: A word that describes a noun. (He sees the look DS shoots at him, sighs, and continues.) A noun is a being, a location or an object, and is usually the subject of a sentence.

DS: And what's a terminawhoozit?

NS: A method of referring to an entity.

DS: I give up. There's no understanding you in this mood.

BJ (pointedly): Perhaps someone would consider answering my question?

DS: What question?

NS: We are both followers of the Divine Protector Mithros and his pantheon. That was what you asked before, wasn't it?

CJ (enthusiastically): How fascinating! So, tell me, what other gods do you worship?

NS: We-

BJ (cutting in): Do not encourage these poor innocents in their mistaken practice of heathen pageantry! 

DS: Huh? You're starting to sound like Numair.

CJ: Oh, be quiet, Barry. And stop quoting your missionary phrase book. It's getting old.

BJ (spluttering): I...I-

CJ(turning to NS): Please continue, sir.

DS: He's not a knight, you know.

NS: Let's see. The Pantheon includes, but of course is in no way limited to, Mithros, the Great Mother Goddess, the Wave Walker, the Master-of-Dream Gainel, the Graveyard Hag- though her influence is far greater in Carthak, you understand- Mynoss, Shakith-

DS (breaking in): Don't forget my parents.

BJ (leaping out of his chair and knocking it over backwards): What?!

NS (slightly annoyed): I hadn't forgotten them, Daine.

BJ: WHAT?!

NS: I just hadn't gotten there yet.

DS (getting upset): I knew you didn't approve of my family! 

NS (hastily): No, no, sweetheart, it's not that at all.

(DS sniffs loudly.)

NS: Please don't get like this. I'm sorry. I really am. (Turns to BJ and CJ.) They're Weiryn of the Hunt and the Green Lady. (He glances anxiously at DS. To his great relief, she appears to be mollified.) 

BJ: Excuse me! (He rights his chair and sits back down.)

NS: Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Mynoss, Shakith, the Crooked God- I don't personally know any of his followers, though. I believe Baron George used to be one, some years ago-

DS (eagerly): Really?!

NS (nervously): Well, never mind that now. As I was saying...

DS (pouting): Nobody ever tells me anything interesting.

BJ: Excuse me!

NS: Continuing on, the K'miri Horse Lords, and-

DS: Don't forget the animal gods.

NS (obediently): Yes, the animal gods. (Turning apologetically to CJ) I'm afraid you'll have to consult Daine for an accurate recitation. I, however, am able to assure you that there are two for each species. Now, who else am I forgetting? Daine?

BJ (bellowing): EXCUSE ME!!

(Everyone turns to stare at him.)

BJ: Thank you. As I have been trying to say (he looks pointedly at NS), I must have misheard you. I thought you mentioned something about your parents being gods! (He laughs heartily.)

NS: You weren't mistaken. I did say something of the sort, though I was referring to Daine's parents, not my own.

(BJ stares at NS, consternated.)

CJ (quickly, before BJ can recover himself): You mean that in a symbolic sense, don't you? All life springing from the divine?

NS: No. I meant it literally. Her parents are gods.

BJ: Blasphemy! I have never heard such blasphemy in all my life!

CJ: Oh, come off it, Barry. Does it really matter? It's not even our religion. 

BJ: Of course it matters! They blaspheme against our Holy Father in Heaven!

DS (indignantly): My da's just as holy as yours!

CJ (with great interest): So, according to your faith, does this make Daine a god, too?

NS: Actually, the correct term is goddess.

DS: And I'm not one. I'm only half. 

CJ (confused): But how-

BJ: Can we please return to business?

CJ: -does that work? If both your parents are gods, shouldn't you be one, too?

BJ (beaming at Carrie): Excellent tactic. I entirely approve. Catching their faith in a mistake.

DS: No, my ma was mortal when I was borned.

NS: Born. When you were born.

(DS rolls her eyes.)

CJ: But then how did she become a god?

NS: Goddess.

CJ: Oh, excuse me.

DS: When she died-

BJ: Let me offer you my condolences.

DS: - my da arranged for her to become the Green Lady. 

CJ (plainly mystified): Oh, I see. And does this happen often?

NS: Actually, Sarra's case is an anomaly. 

DS (heaving a sigh): And now he's going educated again. 

CJ (at the same time): Sarra?

DS: My ma.

NS (at the same time): The Green Lady.

DS (exasperated): Why does everyone keep talking on top of me?!

BJ (at the same time yet again, effectively drowning DS out ): Eureka!

(Everyone turns to stare at him yet again.)

DS: See? I told you.

BJ: I have discovered the reason for this sinful and outrageous claim!

CJ (rolling her eyes): And what, pray tell, might that be?

BJ: It is a sin of ignorance and good intentions. This poor heathen child (he puts his arm around DS's shoulders) fears for her dear, departed mother's soul. Since in her ignorance, she is unaware of the existence of heaven, she has contrived this fable to put her mind at ease!

DS (squirming out from under BJ's arm): That's not true! My ma is in the realms of the gods!

BJ (attempting to be comforting): Child, child. I understand your fear, I really do. But I cannot help you unless you help yourself. Open your heart to the Holy Spirit and be at peace!

DS: I'm telling you, my ma is a goddess and she lives in the realms of the gods! 

NS: She's correct, you know.

BJ (rounding on NS): And you! You encourage this? Can't you see the anguish her ignorance has brought upon her? It is your Christian duty as her mentor to help eradicate these heathen ideas, so we can see her baptized in the name of our Lord!

CJ: Um, Barry? Numair isn't Christian either. So he can't really have a Christian duty.

BJ (ignoring her, and swiveling back to face Daine): You must pray for the soul of your mother, to allow her to enter the Realm of Heaven.

DS: Why does she need that when she has the realms of the gods? Besides, she's not dead anymore.

BJ: Because, child, these "realms of the gods" do not exist! They are lies! The Realm of Heaven is real!

NS: Actually, the realms of the gods do exist. Daine and I visited them not long ago. 

BJ: What?!

CJ: Really? How fascinating! What are they like?

DS: Well-

BJ: SINNERS! How dare you fabricate such lies and mock your Holy Father so? And you attempt to corrupt the faithful as well! You shall be damned lest you repent!

DS: I'm not mocking my da! 

CJ (to DS): Please continue. How did you come to travel there? Is it open to everyone?

DS: No, it's not. We were in danger and my ma and da reached down and pulled me up. Numair wouldn't let go of me, so he came too.

BJ: Enough! If you two choose to take the path to Hell, I cannot stop you. But I shall not allow you to tempt the faithful from the path of righteousness. Carrie, it is time we left. 

CJ: Not now, Barry. I'm sorry, Daine. Please continue. Tell me all about your visit with your parents.

BJ (grabbing CJ's arm and attempting unsuccessfully to haul her to her feet): Come! If you stay here, your soul will be in terrible danger. I understand that you want to bring these people to salvation, but there is nothing more we can do today. They are clearly determined to end in the Devil's infernal coils, and to drag us along if they can. But we must resist, for their sake as well as ours!

CJ: Let go of my arm, Barry. Why don't you go back to headquarters and start typing up the transcript? I'm staying for awhile.

NS: Typing?

DS: Ha! So there's actually a word you don't know! And it's even a little one, too.

NS: And I suppose you know what it means?

DS: No, but at least you don't either.

BJ: But-

CJ: There's nothing you can do about it. I'm staying, and that's that. 

BJ (stiffly): Very well. It's your Immortal Soul, after all. If you insist on succumbing to temptation, that is your affair. But I must seriously reconsider your fitness to hold such an important post. 

CJ: Fine. Are you staying or leaving?

BJ(still stiffly): I'm going. Until I return to bring salvation to you, miss. Sir.

(He stalks to the door and exits, slamming it behind him. DS yawns.)

CJ (on the edge of her seat): Now then, begin at the beginning. What exactly did happen? 

-Transcript terminated by the director out of concern for the reader's Immortal Soul-


End file.
